Fear and Love

Today, I am dealing with overwhelming anxiety at 4:00 in the morning. It's really late. I've been up since about 1:00am, and I'm really tired. Yet, I cannot sleep.

I'm not the up-all-night type of girl. For example, when my husband was having chest pains and I thought that he might be dying, he refused to go to the hospital, so I went to sleep. I reasoned that later on that night, once he finally decided to head to the hospital, I'd need all the strength and focus I could get, so I slept until he woke me up. Once the pain was strong enough that he decided to go to the hospital, I got up and spent the rest of the night awake with him.

There is nothing I can do tonight to remedy the situation, so I should do just what I did then. In fact, sleeplessness would only make the entire thing worse. I'm heading into an emotionally turbulent situation where I'm likely to lose control, and I know that extra sleep is what I need, not less of it. But what am I doing? I'm wide awake.

I'm so sad. Even though I have a really awesome life, and my connection with God is strong, there are things beyond my control that are coming at me, and I feel completely incapable of handling them. I'm not sorry for the wonderful relationships that have brought me this pain. I'm sorry for the pain that my decisions are going to inflict. In fact, I'm sorry that there has to be so much suffering involved.

If I could start over, I'd do only one thing different. I would follow Christ more closely. I would be more obedient. Where possible, I would obey him in everything. I wish I had done that all along. I fail. I fall. I mess up. And there, through it all is Christ. But, oh the unnecessary trouble I've been through because of my delayed obedience.

People always say that they don't regret a thing because it made them who they are. I regret every sin. Every misstep. Every failure. I regret every minute that I strayed from the Master's path. I feel like most of my problems are rooted in those moments. Where I was selfish and lazy, I'm reaping some troubles. Where I was bad-tempered, I'm reaping that. Where I was careless, I'm finding problems. Where I mistook meekness for being a doormat, I'm in the middle of dealing with that, as well.

Tonight, as tears slip down my cheeks and my computer is the only thing to bring light to my eyes, I think of you. You can live better. You can avoid this pain. Just do the right things with all your might. Follow God, even when you don't see the point. I'll tell you, even with my failures, I can testify of His goodness, His faithfulness, and His love.

I'm crying right now. I'm sad about the mistakes and choices that are being made by people I love. I'm embarrassed by my own mistakes. I'm sick of feeling so out of control and so out of touch. I want a new start. So I'm taking one. Maybe I'll mess it all up in two minutes, but that's not the end. I'm going to keep trying until my days are gone. I won't quit. I will overcome this sadness, get through these trials, and keep moving forward. With all that I'm going through, I wouldn't change a minute of serving Christ for years of peace without him. Life is going to get better. I'm going to be okay. God is faithful. You'll see that as you follow my life story. You'll also see that if you choose to follow Him, too.


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