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Showing posts from July, 2016

I'll Never Do That to My Kids...

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a teacher. I wanted to be like those ladies who knew everything, or so I thought at the time. I wanted to have the power to help young children learn, and I wanted to be nicer than many of my teachers. I would be the most understanding, patient, and kind teacher to ever walk the earth. And then, I grew up and became a teacher.

I'm not the nicest teacher to ever walk the earth. My students often wondered if I had gotten out of bed on the wrong side. They asked me if I was alright, and got quiet when my reply was less than patient. My students loved me, and I loved them, but we had those moments that I swore I would never put a child through, and I did it probably as often as all my teachers did to me. I'm so sorry now, but there's no going back. I was not a compassionate paragon of virtue. I was a woman who loved kids and was trying to do the very best job for those children. And like all teachers who really want to do great, I h…

Moving Past the Past...

Last night, I had a really scary thought. What if I can never move past my memories, my assumptions, and my fears in order to finally accomplish a lifelong goal? What if I never move forward?

Is the past so alive, real, and concrete to you that you can't seem to escape it? Like huge iron pylons framing a skyscraper, do these memories seem to take up all the landscape in front of you? Is the framework of your life being built around this old structure because there seemed no way to build without using the old framework? Or have you built small, kept low, and avoiding the structure altogether, not allowing yourself to lean on it for the future, but not allowing yourself to grow higher or spread wider because the past is always in the way?

I'm not strong enough to pull up that destructive framework. I can't see past it. I keep expecting to knock into it just when I see myself finally moving beyond it.

As I look to the Master to give me direction, I feel the need to tell you t…

How can I retain an air of mystery ... without ruining my reputation?

Remember when you were told as a young woman not to reveal everything to a guy, to retain an air of mystery about yourself? He would find it irresistible, we were told. He would chase us all the harder for that unique hidden gem that we wouldn't reveal until just the right moment. But in reality, though it may or may not have worked for you, I find that mystery sometimes just looks like mental illness.

Now, hold on for a minute. Bear with me. But look at it from the outside. One day, we're holding hands and smiling at one another. But oops, we need to retain that mystery, so next time, we're pulling away and running a little ahead on the path. When he asks what's wrong, we say "nothing." Later, when it's time to eat, we're not very hungry, and we nibble on fries and a shake while our stomachs rumble quietly within, starved. Don't we look crazy? I know that I probably did.

Why do people go to psychiatrists? They have an eating disorder. They can…